Whack a Mole

When couples come to see me they often bring specific problems to be solved.  And while there are therapists who will work diligently to help couples solve their "problems," I am not one of them. For even if I were to honor this request and help them craft a solution, another would pop up soon enough. Just like a game of whack-a-mole. The reason for this is that the stated "problem" is not really the problem.  Instead the problem is what happens when partners try to talk about the designated problem.  The problem is a communication cycle that makes things worse. 

This begs the question "Why can some couples talk through enormous injuries while others can't discuss the evening's TV lineup without a serious meltdown?"  The answer to this is that couples, to varying degrees, can become locked into negative communication patterns or "cycles". (1)  When feelings of hurt, betrayal, neglect, etc. occur in a relationship and are not resolved, they can create fixed patterns of communication that are defensive and reactive.  Some couples can work out of these patterns on their own but many become stuck and need the help of a couples counselor to escape the pattern.  Many couples complain of having the same argument again and again.  This is because the rules of the cycle, of which the partners aren't fully aware, prevent the openness and vulnerability that are essential in successful communication that creates trust and connection.  In this unsafe environment, partners protest their hurt and longing in ways that cause reactivity in their partner and create the same defensive script.  And on and on it goes.

If you feel that you are stuck in such a cycle I recommend "Emotionally Focused Therapy."  This mode is enjoying world wide popularity now and data indicates that it is the most helpful mode of change for couples in distress.

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Couples Counseling in Walnut Creek California