Understanding Anger, An EFT Lens

Fighting Words: What Anger Can Reveal About Your Relationship

Every time you try to talk to your partner, they get defensive and a shouting match ensues.

When you try to reason with them, they shut down, or worse - shut you out.

Or maybe the old spark has disappeared and you just don’t feel connected the way you used to.

But what if the anger and disconnection bubbling on the surface of these interactions was just a mask disguising more vulnerable emotions hiding beneath? What if you could peel away the layers of resentment that hold you back from having the relationship you want?

If you’re looking for EFT therapy in Davis, California, you can contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190. 

In an earlier post, I explained that the conflicts plaguing our relationships often stem from attachment patterns we developed as young children interacting with our earliest caregivers. Disagreements with our romantic partners can trigger a deeply rooted fear of abandonment. Such fears can be subconscious, and we often don’t realize that we are acting out of fear when we raise our voices or shut down emotionally. 

For partners experiencing relationship distress, emotionally-focused therapy for couples can be a highly effective way to reconnect. EFT is an evidence-based practice backed by more than thirty years of research. Even during very stressful periods, research suggests EFT can help couples build resilience. Time and again, I’ve watched the way it can transform relationships. 

EFT consists of nine steps that help couples identify sources of conflict and change old communication patterns. Often, couples who seek therapy are locked in a pattern of communication that involves anger or avoidance. But therapy can help couples recognize that anger might signify deeper issues in the relationship.

When a partner screams, “Can’t you EVER just listen to me?!” he or she might really be asking:

Can I count on our relationship?

Can I still trust you?

Can I count on our love?

Anger is sometimes described as a “secondary emotion” because it usually masks other feelings lurking below the surface. While a person may look angry on the outside, he or she may actually be feeling insecure, afraid, sad, or ashamed. Feelings like sadness and fear can cause us to lash out at our partners. 

Without help, couples often continue these same negative patterns of communication. Over time, these patterns can become so ingrained that they are difficult to fix. It takes courage (and practice) to recognize our own feelings and to communicate them to our loved ones. Therapy can help couples build the skills they need to keep their relationships thriving.

That’s why it’s so important for couples to seek help when they are having problems communicating or solving conflict in a healthy way. While attachment styles are learned early on and can impact our lives in countless ways, EFT has the potential to help. The right therapist can help individuals identify their attachment styles and heal old emotional wounds. As a result, relationships improve and partners form a closer, more secure bond with one another. 

Contact my office to find out if your EFT therapy is right for your relationship. To schedule individual therapy or couples therapy in California, contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190 or by filling out our contact form. I look forward to working with you and your loved one.