Not a Question of Compatibility

A question that often arises for one or both partners in a distressed relationship is "Are we compatible?"

Clearly some people do become "incompatible" over time.  This is can happen when a couple gets together at a very young age or when a couple joins together in an unhealthy lifestyle and one partner later chooses to become healthy (such as kicking an addiction) while the other clings to old habits. 

Yet with the couples that are determined and brave enough to contact me for counseling, I find that compatibility is usually a moot point.  What looks and feels like incompatibility is more often a negative and stuck communication pattern.  Every couple that comes through my door is stuck in some type of "negative communication cycle". (1)  Common cycles include "pursue and distance" (or put more bluntly, "blame and avoid") "distance-distance," and "attack-attack."

When a negative communication cycle comes to dominate a relationship it certainly doesn't feel very "compatible" and, in fact, partners can lose touch with feelings of love.  Yet when a cycle takes over, it is not a challenge of compatibility but one of communication.  As we don't feel heard or understood it is easy to lose our ability to trust in our partner.  Without trust, communication becomes strained at best and a lack of communication sure doesn't foster a sense of compatibility.

 I urge my couples to put aside the compatibility question until they've worked their way out of their negative communication cycle. When partners feel safe enough to share their fears and vulnerabilities and can feel heard and supported, it tends not to matter so much that one is passionate about art while the other likes to restore cars.

I recommend "Emotionally Focused Therapy" which is has proven to be the most effective mode for couples treatment in extensive clinical tests.